DT Krippene:  Out the Kitchen Door – Feb 14, 2014

Ah … L-Amour.  Let me measure the depth of my love for you.  TWO FEET.  I’d use inches, but you’d get the wrong idea.

I know you wanted chocolates, my dear, but I bought two shovels  instead.  Aren’t they cute?  His and hers, and I made sure to get bright red, the color of love.  It’s easy to find if you drop it in a snow drift.  Think of the fun we’ll have, side by side like the pioneers of yesteryear.  Afterwards, we can build a snowman, or snowwoman, laugh at our icy Michelangelo sculpture with anatomically correct parts. I didn’t realize all you have is flat tops for shoes.  Maybe an extra pair of socks will help.

I know we had reservations at Maxim’s, but I think they’re closed.  I forgot to hit the store yesterday, but I have some Vienna sausage and a can of cream of celery soup.  Might have some jerky left over from my last hunting trip. We can warm our toes by the fire in our long johns, drink the airline miniature liquor samples I’ve been hoarding for days like this, maybe watch Groundhog Day. Yeah, we’ve seen it, but 14th time’s a charm.  Oh, forgot to mention the weather forecast.  They’re calling for another 4-6 inches tomorrow.  Won’t that be fun?  We can sing the holiday classic – “Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow?”

What’s that, my dear?  Go what myself ….?

Hey, come on now.  Isn’t my fault that Punxsutawney gopher got all transgender on us, changed his name to Phyllis and said she wasn’t coming out until May.  No, dear, that was caused by something called a polar vortex.  The arctic Inuit natives put a whammy on us southerners for causing global warming and melting the ice packs, messing up a lifestyle that goes back thousands of years. I think those rascally Canadians caused this storm.  They got it out for us … something about wanting to share the love … of winter.  Sure, we can pack up and visit your sister in South Carolina, but the car has been buried in a snowdrift by the road plow.  They charge a fine for parking in a snow emergency route?  I didn’t know it was going to be an emergency.  Besides, your sister got a foot of snow as well and her town doesn’t have road plows like ours, so consider ourselves lucky.

Should have gone to the Olympics in Sochi, I hear the weather is balmy.  What?   I thought it was funny.  Gee whiz, what a grumpy pants.

Hey, look what I found … a couple of Hershey kisses left over from Christmas.  Looks like you’ll get chocolate after all.  Give me a hug.

Oh, babe … you kiss your mother with that mouth?